To My Father…

Innocence 2 (2)

In my post Innocence Punished, I shared an incident that happened in my early elementary years that caused much heartache and brokenness. I was interrogated, in every sense of the word, by adults who I should have been able to trust. They broke through my resolve to be truthful, and coerced me into saying what they wanted to hear. I was punished severely, and I learned that my father could not be trusted…

That day after school my father took me downstairs to our unfinished basement. This was the place for punishment. Not the only place to be sure, but the preferred one.

My father lectured me about lying and embarrassing my family. I didn’t dare tell him that I hadn’t lied. That it had been the truth all along.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you,” he said coldly. I cringed as I heard the distinctive sound of his leather belt being ripped from the loops of his pants. He yanked down my jeans and underwear, then pulled me face-down across his lap. With each thrash of the belt, I felt the heat of impact. Swollen marks reddened my tender skin…

Lately, I have sensed God speaking to my heart and telling me that I need to “count the cost”.  At first I wasn’t sure what He meant, but as the message is repeated I am slowly beginning to understand.

I am learning that part of the journey involves an honest evaluation of the harm that was done. This might seem obvious, but it is not something that comes naturally for me. I am more likely to deny my pain, or compare myself to others and conclude that what happened to me wasn’t really that bad.

Abba is gently challenging my way of thinking. To find healing, I need to be vulnerable. To admit to myself the extent of the pain, and acknowledge that which was lost – my childhood, my innocence, my trust… These things need to be grieved before I will be able to move on, before I will find the freedom and joy that my heart longs for.

As a starting point, I have written the poem below to express the pain that my father caused me. I am not able to share it with him yet, and maybe never will. He is still not a ‘safe’ person in my world, but I hope that might change someday. For now, I will share the cry of my heart here, and pray that degrees of healing will come.

To My Father…

When you first held me in your arms,
A helpless baby, so sweet and full of innocence.
I know that you loved me.
Fully and completely.
Did you promise yourself that you would do anything to protect me?
* * *
When, I wonder, did the doubts first come?
A child not so innocent, not so sweet.
Was it difficult to love me?
Did it break your heart,
that I was not everything you’d hoped I would be?
* * *
How disobedient a child was I?
That I required such harsh discipline.
To be yelled at, intimidated, and hurt.
What happened to the promise made so long ago,
To protect me and keep me safe?
* * *
Why, I wonder, did you not believe me?
Did I prove myself untrustworthy?
I shared my hurt with you, when mistreated at school,
And you sided with the adults who defended their innocence.
I learned not to trust.
* * *
A good father in many ways,
Provider, spiritual leader, and teacher.
You pointed me to Jesus, and for that I will forever be thankful.
Teaching me the importance of faith.
And praying for me.
* * *
But I needed a daddy.
Someone to watch me twirl in dresses, and tell me I was beautiful.
Someone to love me unconditionally.
To be a place of safety, and an example of Jesus.
I longed for that.
* * *
I’m sorry I wasn’t everything you’d hoped I would be.
That I disappointed you so much, and so often.
The past cannot be changed, but I wish things had been different.
I still long for unconditional approval.
The love of a daddy, and not just a father.
* * *

Writing these words touched a deep place inside, allowing me to feel the pain in a fresh way. I cried. For myself. That’s not something I often allow myself to do.

I am reminded, even now, that the need for unconditional love and approval is met by Abba, the perfect Father. He loves us with a perfect love, and accepts us just as we are. Abba is a very personal name for God; it literally translates ‘daddy’.

And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.”

Galatians 4:6 (NLT)

Thank you Lord, for being my Abba ‘daddy’. Please help me to trust you completely, and to walk in obedience into all that you ask me to do. I pray that you will minister to the hurting child, who still lives inside me. Help her to find healing, freedom and joy. I love and praise you Abba! You are so gentle, loving, and faithful. Praise your glorious name!

May you experience the love of Abba Father, dear one. He is so very fond of you!

Blessings and hugs,

Kamea

Sharing at…

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29 thoughts on “To My Father…

  1. My heart breaks for you as I read this, but I am so thankful that you have found the source of perfect love, through our Abba Father. You’re right about the need to face the pain, to count the cost. It sounds like a hard process, but the healing that will come, as a result, will be sweet.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Welcome Dawn!

      Thank you for visiting, and for your compassionate heart. You are right that the process is difficult; in fact, it is challenging beyond words. But I know I can trust in the goodness and love of my Abba Father. He truly does have a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. He knows what is for my ultimate best!

      Many blessings,
      Kamea

      Like

  2. Facing the truth is difficult when we’ve been taught that our feelings do not matter. Your prayer spoke to my heart. May God continue to bless you and keep you to help others, who have been hurt and abused in childhood, to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right, Lynette. When you have been taught that your feelings do not matter, you begin to deny that you even have feelings, or that you’ve been hurt. It’s difficult to change old patterns, but necessary if lasting change is to come.

      May God richly bless you,
      Kamea

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Kamea, my heart aches for you so deeply. I am wholeheartedly praying for you, my Love! May you find all that you need and so much more in our ABBA FATHER. You are precious in HIS sight. Love, peace, joy, courage, strength, grace, mercy, and many blessings to you, Dear One! 🙂

    #RaRaLinkup 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sweet Tai,

      Your genuine love and concern means so much to me. Thank you so much for visiting, for your words of blessing, and for your prayers. I look forward to getting to know you, both here and at your blog as well.

      Blessings and hugs,
      Kamea

      Like

  4. Your story is so sad that you were manipulated by adults and then not believed by your dad. On the cross Jesus cried, “Father forgive them because they know not what they do.” My prayer is that you have been able to forgive ALL parties who sinned against you and understand that you are loved and cared for by our heavenly father.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your compassion and words of love, Hazel. I appreciate your prayer as well. I have taken steps to forgive in the past, but God is showing me that I need to ‘count the cost’ & forgive from a place that acknowledges the pain. It’s a process.

      Blessings,
      Kamea

      Like

  5. Kamea, there is healing in words, in the Word. Beautiful things happen when we allow vulnerability to hit the “post” button or the pen to drain its ink as it scratches out our words. (I’m so proud of you…and we don’t even know each other in person!) Even more beautiful things happen when there’s healing. Go Jesus! You are brave, wise, and dearly loved. Abba Father (Daddy) will never let you down. Keep pressing in, my friend. #WriteOn #JesusGirl

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome Kristi,

      You are so right about the power of words – very scriptural as well. Thank you for saying you are proud of me, those words meant a lot. I haven’t heard them often in my life! My heart was touched by your words, “Abba Father will never let you down”. What a wonderful truth!

      Blessings sweet one,
      Kamea

      Like

  6. So well written, Kamea. This makes me feel so sad for your pain, and brings to memory my own pain and feelings that I disappointed my own father. Those feelings die slowly, and getting them out into the light is the only way to heal… But I know how much that drains you. Healing is hard work. But thank God He’s healing us. Hugs my sweet friend. Love, Liz

    Liked by 2 people

    • My dear friend,

      I know that you understand. And that means so much. I know we are never alone, that God walks with us through it all, but having a sweet sister-in-Christ to shower me with love and support sure does help!

      Hugs in return,
      Kamea

      Liked by 1 person

    • There is so much power in prayer, especially when there are two or three gathered in His name, and praying in agreement with one another. Your prayers for healing in my relationship with my father mean so much.

      Thank you,
      Kamea

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  7. I’m glad you were able to express your feelings of hurt and betrayed by your father through your poem. Healing of this sort takes time and work, but I trust God will bring you through this difficult memory with a renewed heart and mind!! Blessings, sister in Christ!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Ann,

      Thank you so much for visiting. Writing that poem really did help me to access some of the feelings that had been locked away and denied. I think it was a really healing step for me. Thank you for your words of hope and blessing.

      May God richly bless you,
      Kamea

      Like

  8. I know this pain. I know this journey. My father was not there when I needed protecting. My mother sided with my abusers. The path to forgiveness is difficult and painful. And it isn’t something that is completed all at once. I have forgiven my parents time and time again, and yet things still crop up, and I find myself having to go back to the cross and forgive once more. I’m praying for healing for you and restoration between you and your father!
    –Tammy

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sweet Tammy,

      I am so sorry to hear that you understand my pain so well. As much as I know it helps me to know I am not alone, it always breaks my heart to hear about how common abuse really is. Thanks for sharing about your journey, and the need to forgive ‘time and time again’. I am seeing the truth of this in my own life. It is so helpful to know that this is a normal part of recovery.

      Blessings and hugs,
      Kamea

      Like

  9. Kamea,
    This is so moving and powerful. Thank you for the courage to share your heart. I am so sorry for your pain, and I’m praying for you! I love how Abba gently puts words on our hearts to ponder, and guides us at a safe pace to heal. “Count the cost” is such a vivid description of healing. Yes it is a process. “He loves us with a perfect love, and accepts us just as we are” – so important to remember as we heal. I’m so very thankful His love and patience is with us as we take each step!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sweet Michelle,

      I can always count on you to bless me with words full of compassion and understanding. Thank you for your caring heart! Counting the cost really is such an important part of the healing – but difficult and very emotionally draining. I’m so grateful for people like you who encourage me along the way.

      Blessings and hugs,
      Kamea

      Like

  10. Sweet Sister,
    You are so courageous. To face the hurt head on and to open your heart for healing requires strength that only the Lord can provide. As you continue to walk out your healing, your sisters in the sacred space are praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww, thanks. I certainly do not think of myself as courageous. I have kept these secrets hidden in the darkness of shame for many years. Your prayers are so appreciated and needed. There is so much power in prayer!

      Blessings,
      Kamea

      Like

      • You may not feel bold lion a lion but courage is moving forward in the face of fear, shame, hurt, etc and you are doing just that. The Lord has lifted the LIGHT of His countenance upon you and is making His face shine upon you and it is exposing the shame. Let the light of His love continue to flood your heart, to every crack, crevice and dark recess. Your faith is making you well.

        Liked by 2 people

  11. Pingback: Love of a Father… | Incremental Healing

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