A Step of Obedience…

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…After listening compassionately to our concerns, our pastor explained the power of generational sin.  He suggested that this might be giving a foothold to the evil one, and factoring into the inner turmoil of our precious boy. He recommended working through a freedom-based curriculum… He then made a further suggestion… Rather than simply seeking to address the brokenness in our son, we could work through the curriculum fully.  For ourselves…

The pastor suggested we take some time to pray about our decision…

The time had come.  My husband and I were welcomed warmly into the Pastor’s study. The men exchanged pleasantries about the weather and kids. My eyes scan rows of books lined neatly on shelves, then gaze out the window at speeding cars. Looking anywhere but the Pastor’s face.

I know what I need to do, but everything inside me protests.

God had clearly spoken to my heart, telling me that it was time to acknowledge my hurt, to stop pretending everything was fine, and to seek healing for my brokenness.  Refusing to follow his leading would be an act of willful disobedience and rebellion.

I had come to a crossroads of sorts. Would I continue to claim that I trusted Christ, but in actuality trust no one but myself? Continue to live in a state of constant hyper vigilance, letting no one close enough to ever hurt me again? Or would I take a step of faith and walk the path he had so clearly shown me?

“So…” begins the Pastor, “Did you give some thought to what we discussed last time?”

A long paused follows as I work up the courage, searching for the words. “Well,” I say quietly, “I’m going to give you my answer, but I have a few things I need to explain.”

I proceed to share how God had spoken clearly to me, telling me that I need to seek freedom for myself. I tell the Pastor how I had dismissed God’s leading, but had sensed him pursuing me relentlessly, yet ever so gently. Prompting me to say ‘yes’ to the things he was asking of me.

“That’s wonderful,” says the Pastor smiling. ”

Actually, no.  It’s not,” I object.  “I need you to understand that while my answer is ‘yes’, it is purely an act of obedience to a clear direction from a holy God. In no way does this mean that I want to do this.”

“What are you afraid of?” he asks gently.

I look down. Shame floods over me, as if I have been found out already. I can feel my pulse thundering. I am sure that he can hear it too. The fear is thick around me. Dark and consuming. My eyes brim with hot tears as I struggle to find a way to begin.

Words come gushing.  I am afraid of so many things…

Judgement.  That I will be condemned for the mistakes of my past. That I will be looked upon with disdain.

Pity.  That I will come to be defined by the things that happened to me. That others will feel sorry for me.  That I will forever be ‘that poor girl’, the one who was abused, defiled, and broken.

Loss of control.  That as I open up that place inside, that place so tightly locked, I might fall completely apart.

Further harm.  That somehow exposing my vulnerabilities will make me a target. That the information I share might be used against me.  To shame.  To control.  To hurt.

Irrational, I know. After all, I’m not that vulnerable little girl anymore. And yet, I feel at times like I am back in that place. When the nightmares rip me violently from sleep. Tearing open the veil between past and present, forcing me to relive the moments I’ve fought so hard to lock away. The times when I wake up trembling, panicked, gasping for breath. The pain is real and fresh. Not something that happened decades ago, but something that is happening. Now.

There’s no way I can explain this fear that my intellectual self knows is irrational, but my ‘feeling’ self carries anyways. Unless you’ve been there. Then you would understand.

This conversation is surreal. It is so unlike me to open up my hidden self. Something inside screams at me to stop, but I just keep talking. I know I’ve gone too far already. Revealed things that I can never take back. The Pastor knows now. Not the details, to be sure, but he knows. I can tell.

Then he says the kindest thing. He tells me that I am incredibly strong and brave. To be willing to walk this path that I so clearly do not want to travel, simply because I am choosing to listen to my heavenly Father. That takes true courage, the Pastor tells me.

He assures me that he will not judge or pity me. He promises complete confidentiality. He tells me everything will be okay. That we can trust in God’s goodness and love. That Jesus hears the cries of my broken heart, and will walk closely beside me though this dark valley.

17 The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
    He rescues them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34: 17-18 NLT

We pray.  For God’s favor, and for his peace.  That he will guide and protect each of us.  That he will give us his wisdom, and walk closely beside us. An amazing feeling washes over me. So warm, deep and abundant. I know that this peace is from God, himself.  It is so outside my realm of experience. Heavenly.

A taste of what was to come.  The promise of his healing touch.

May God richly bless you, dear one, with the manifest presence of his heavenly peace and love.

Kamea

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4 thoughts on “A Step of Obedience…

  1. Have you read “The Wounded Heart” by Dan Allendar? So much of what I read that you’ve written indicates that you see so clearly about yourself just what he is saying in this book. If you haven’t read it, I’m totally amazed by your insight into what God is doing in your soul…you may be a victim of abuse but you and me we are survivors and overcomers by the power of Christ!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Liz,
      Interesting that you ask if I have read ‘The Wounded Heart’. This book is actually a part of my story. A counselor who I was ‘talking’ to via email suggested it as a helpful resource. She had promised to discuss each chapter with me, but broke off our relationship shortly after because she felt I needed face-to-face help. I was DEVASTATED. The book reminded me of her rejection, so I have not pulled it out since. Maybe its time to give the book another chance!
      Kamea

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am so sorry, Kamea. My counselor has met with me once off and on for a few days in person, but the other sessions are over the phone. She does want to meet a couple of more times in person, but one of those times I’m waiting until she comes closer…Ideally she would like to meet with me face to face, she’s not insistent. I like than Allendar says at the beginning of the book that he believed having healing relationships in the church could be as effective as counseling, but that so many churches had gotten away from this, thus the need for counselors. I can totally understand why you’d not pick the book up again after that experience, but it’s been one of God’s biggest tools for me and you definitely get what he’s saying. My daughter counsels on facetime with my counselor, too. We’ve both been helped this way. I’m glad you are able to get support at church and through your writing. I’m glad as well as having a counselor, I have a friend here for support. As you and I know only too well God works all around us through everything to let us know He loves us and that in and knowing that is the BEST MEDICINE.

        Like

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