The journey toward healing is not one I would have chosen.
That dark place in my past was tightly locked, and I had no intentions of going there. Ever. I worked hard to keep the memories caged, as if pretending that it had never happened would make it so.
Utterly futile. The memories reached, unbidden, into my everyday life. Screaming lies of unworthiness. Wrecking havoc in my relationships. Terrorizing my dreams. Taunting me to the point of despair.
And yet, I thought this was better somehow. Better than admitting, even to myself, that I was a victim of abuse. Better than lowering my wall of self-protection, exposing my vulnerabilities and risking further harm.
How then, you might ask, did my journey begin?
Well… God, in his abundant grace, understood my fears and my stubborn resolve to suffer in silence, but loved me too much to leave me there.
My husband and I were struggling with one of our children. Our precious son, whom we had adopted, had been severely neglected in his first few months of life. We could see the brokenness that had resulted. He was extremely insecure and full of rage. It was heartbreaking. We tried everything we knew to help him, but things seemed only to get worse. That’s when we reached out for help, seeking godly counsel from our much respected pastor.
After listening compassionately to our concerns, our pastor explained the power of generational sin. He suggested that this might be giving a foothold to the evil one, and factoring into the inner turmoil of our precious boy. He recommended working through a freedom-based curriculum that specifically addressed this issue. Our pastor then made a further suggestion, one that totally caught me off guard. Rather than simply seeking to address the brokenness in our son, we could work through the curriculum fully. For ourselves.
Immediately, I sensed that this was what God was asking of me. To say I wrestled with the idea would be an understatement. I was barely able to focus after that point. The only thing I clearly remember is the pastor suggesting we take some time to pray about our decision.
Do you see what happened there??
God knew I would do anything for our son, whom I love dearly, but would not do the same for myself. He orchestrated circumstances so that he could show me his intended path.
I dismissed the incident. I had no intentions of delving into my past. There was too much to lose.
The following Sunday, as I was engaged in worship, God reached out to me again. We were singing ‘Today’ by Brian Doerksen. The first verse goes as follows..
Today I choose to follow You
Today I choose to give my ‘yes’ to You
Today I choose to hear Your voice and live
Today I choose to follow You
As I sang the words, “Today I choose to give my ‘yes’ to You”, I sensed God asking me, “Do you?”. Two simple words, with no explanation, yet I clearly knew what he wanted me to do.
Hearing God speak so gently to me, without any hint of rebuke, was something I simply could not resist. In his love, he broke through my walls of self-protection, stubbornness and resistance.
Wonderful how relentlessly God pursues his precious children, isn’t it?
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1a NIV
This path is not one I would have chosen, but I can honestly say I am thankful that God had this planned for me. It has not been easy, but he has walked closely by my side through it all. God is so faithful. He is graciously showing me the wonderful fruit of living a life that says ‘Yes’ to him.
photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/pizzagirl/6294862615/”>jainaj</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>